By Amanda Blake
My dad missed one day. He was sick, so I thought nothing of it. But he mentioned it a lot: I’ve missed one day in eight years … eight years. I get it, Dad.
My parents had joint custody of me and my sister. We lived primarily with our mom and spent every other weekend with our dad, who lived 50 minutes away. Our dad technically had us two weeknights as well, but instead of keeping us overnight far from our school, he would drive to our home and take us out to eat, the theater or — my favorite — Barnes and Noble, where he’d always say how happy he was to buy us books. We took advantage of that particular joy.
My dad, an accountant, missed one night in the thick of tax season, when he was probably averaging between 70 and 80 work hours a week (which explains the sickness). He missed one night of eating with us, laughing with us, driving more than 1.5 hours in total to see us.
It’s ok, Dad. I forgive you.
There are various data on the importance of parental involvement post-divorce, with the majority of attention given to the father’s role since children typically live with their mothers. I’m going to focus on two studies. One, published in 2010, is titled “Race differences among noncustodial fathers noncompliant in child support: Involvement and self-perceptions of fathering.”
I found this paper fascinating because it addressed the general public’s negative perception of Black fathers unable to pay child support. The study found that, within the tested group of diverse low-income fathers, both Black and White fathers found non-cash ways to support their children and held similar views of fatherhood. The study mentioned additional research, which found that minority noncustodial fathers were less likely to pay child support; however, they were more likely to have contact with their children.
It is worth noting that this study did not dismiss the role racism has played in shaping these statistics: “Others have noted that African American/Black fathers today still experience the historical effects of enslavement, racism and discrimination, affecting social and economic conditions.”
The study recommended reforming social policy to create quality parenting programs that involve fathers beyond financials.
Why is this deemed necessary? Because a father’s presence in his child’s life is crucial to preventing externalizing problems, such as delinquency, and internalizing problems, such as depression, as discussed in a 2015 study titled “Non-Residential Father–Child Involvement, Interparental Conflict and Mental Health of Children Following Divorce: A Person-Focused Approach.” Although interparental conflict affects children more strongly in the two years following divorce — I’ll discuss co-parenting in a future post — the negative effects of low father-involvement remain strong over a longer period of time, according to the study.
So, dads, get involved. Support your children. Recognize that your presence is necessary to your child’s development, that the obstacles in your way — whether caused by shame, distance or lack of finances — are not obstacles in your childrens’ eyes. They don’t need Barnes and Noble or a nice dinner. I would’ve been content eating Taco Bell in my dad’s car two nights a week.
All your child wants is you.
