What are the most important actions parents going through a divorce should take to help their children? It’s a simple question, one millions of individuals likely contemplate each day. In the accompanying timeline and later paragraphs, I have summarized research conducted and studied by Canada’s Department of Justice and a video featuring Texas divorce lawyer Kelly Caperton Fischer on how to help children through divorce.
Of course, it is vital to remember that how a child’s development and wellness is impacted by divorce depends on the child’s temperament and context of the situation, as explained in a detailed pamphlet on this subject created by Canada’s Department of Justice.
How to help
Babies, toddlers and preschoolers (0-4): Maintain frequent contact with the child and routines established pre-divorce, such as bedtime, bathtime and mealtime. If changes are necessary, introduce them slowly. Assure your child that you love them.
Early Elementary School (5-8): Reiterate that your child is loved and the divorce is not, in any way, their fault. Model respectful behavior when interacting with your ex-spouse in front of your child. Allow your child to discuss their feelings. Consider counseling and allowing your child to hold private conversations with older children of divorce.
Later Elementary School (9-12): Continue the methods used for children in early elementary school. Listen to your child’s concerns and remain open-minded. Again, do not be rude to your ex-spouse when your child is watching. Refrain from leaning on your child for support.
Adolescents (13-17): Don’t leave your child in the dark. Honestly discuss practical matters with them, such as living arrangements and what the future of the family looks like. Allow your child to voice their feelings. Do not, however, overshare. Shield your child from details of your marital conflict, such as who is at fault.
Adult Children (18+): Again, do not overshare. Your child, at any age, is still your child. Refrain from heavily depending on them and making negative comments about your ex-spouse in front of them.
Fischer summed it up well when she said, “Love your child more than you hate your ex-spouse.”
Simon Peter, inspired by God, summed it up best when he wrote: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (I Peter 4:8, NIV)